放大/显微

我。虽然一无是处，呆头呆脑。
但，我。从不稀罕你的几句赞美。
你。是假的代名词。是蠢的动词。是猪的形容词。
下次也请把你的虚伪做作掩饰得好一些。
看到你，听到你，令我感到很累，很反感。
请你消失好吗？谢谢。

还有十天的流水战要打。我已几乎瘫痪。哀哉。呜呼！

不管！我现在就要Humble Beginnings' 的 mille crepe! Ee Lian!

To hold a pinch of sand

Ok, so I should finish up this post as soon as possible for I need to wake up at 6.30am later. 4 hours of sleep is way too luxury in this time of life. My complexion totally fuckep up from all the layers of mask donning. Attended a 8 hours talk on Monday and although it was kinda light hearted and fun but I can smell what's underneath (i'm never a person who likes talks). It was either up to no good or its opposite, maybe it's just me who think otherwise. To the greater part, I bet they definitely enjoyed it judging from all their durable praises on certain speaker. What about me you might ask : mentally absent from extreme fatigue. I'm so proud at least I did not die on the spot. Yesterday was the first day where all preparations pertaining to this event kicked off. Total amount of members attended, 2.5. Gross progression, 5% (I told them 20% to avoid unwanted dispute). Actually, I don't know what I've done and needed to do. I have so many things in mind but shame to say, all too messy and random. Nothing productive has been done as yet but I think there are still time and chances ahead. We have 5 backdrops to be done compared to our counterparts which only has 1. We have 12 events to manage and they have maybe 4? We have 9 of us in our division and they have less than that amount. They have 80-90% of attendance rate and we have only 10-30%. The excos must have been laughing their kidneys out on us. There's nothing we can do. I think all of us know our stands and there's nothing we can't overcome or it's just me being good for nothing in the end?

8 more days to the deadline, I still don't have the time (and energy) to pack my stuffs and get my ass out of this place. My landlord will seriously cast my belongings (and me) off by the end of this month if I don't space out the damned room (it's contract bound, hello?). And In light of what the exco told us, we need to get by with sleeping bag, torch etc. or lack thereof. Amazing. I've got none. You can congratulate or strangle me now. No way I'm gonna buy them since I already have more than what's needed amount of them back home. Then now what?

Sleep! 3 hours left to another rat race. 

Anyways, I'm still stuffed from the late dinner and later supper. I can't sleep and I can't wake up! Help!

陪人客摇来摇去~

Once upon a time, there were 2 suagus (they know who they are) who wanted to venture the goodness of trying their lucks. Well considering that Genting is too far away from home, the mega casinos across the causeway are still pending, and nope, we don't have that kinda leopard guts to brave underground's! Therefore, we were left with the last and only option, Royale Star cruise, a place stone throw away from our comfort zone. We've been getting unanimous feedbacks about this cruise actually when we tried to ask around the elders (yes, that place is or mostly frequent by people of age 50 and above, I'd say 99% perhaps). Despite the excitement of rolling your money in foreign currency and free but subpar quality buffet, we suspect the cruise is quite shabby and of cos the casino inside is dodgy. They will definitely go the extra miles to con all our money and strip us off with nothing left in the end then push us down the sea to feet sharks or force us to sign up "loanshark" scheme. Either way...

we went for it -_-.

海阔天空 

Got a tiny swimming pool leh! Or rather a place to get wet only.

Vessels in the "international" sea region. This part of the sea belongs to no one. Neither Malaysian, Singaporean nor Indonesian but it's bordering South China Sea and Selat Johor I think. Actually I didn't know where were we -_-. Could've went on a Somalian pirate ship or 贼船 instead.

Somewhere along the deck with few emergency backup boats. Anyways the cruise remained stationary and stoic sien.

Obligatory shot at the helipad

Obligatory shot 2 (as of now you should notice that people around me are all heavyweighted "重量级" and I'm basically under the influence)

Puak kiao! There were people playing the slot machines.

Standing at the 康庄大道 haha.

Happy cos he won a fortune.

Fui yoh beautiful siol!

On the shabby ferry that transported us to the main cruise. 2 hours of sailing wtf!

All of us won some $, very meagre sum only so don't ask us to treat or whatsoever ok? At least what we won is able to cover all our expenses and therefore, the trip is sort of "sponsored" with little extra bonuses for everyone in the end. We're all richer by the time we reached the shore :D

Oh...while I was having my late dinner with my parents at Taman Molek. We witnessed another snatch theft case again. This is like the 3rd/4th time I witnessed a similar case in JB with my own eyes. Polis Diraja Malaysia, hello? Masih tidur ke? There's always a reason why people pick apart our homeland cos our police force is as weak as nonexistence. They will only be visible around the neighbourhood when media and politicians stir up the issues. Otherwise, tidur dan sikap "tak apa" adalah budaya mereka. So my say is, to get rid of unbecoming crime rates, we must get rid of the police at first. Seriously, are they even carrying out their duties? Tegas, adil dan berhemah...otak engkau lah! Why should we give in sometimes? It's our right after all and we've all the more reasons to take things for granted if only they can be less corrupted. Nia sing.

Hello world

...won't you listen!

I feel like writing so much these days but I guess time is the factor hindering this piece of urge and well inspiration is crucial since it has been going on strike for the past few weeks or months? Right, whatever. Nothing so eventful in my life of late, weep-worthy I know. I hate the feeling of going for final exam but then again why am I bitching in the first place for I'm a 1-subjected people? It's very ironic when I have plenty of time on hand right now but find no ways of putting them in good use, for e.g. revise my one and only Organic Chemistry I which is unfortunately hanging on the thin line of failing and well I could've started packing my stuffs or spent time shedding those pesky weights either but no, nil, nada, none, not doing any of them productively so far. Yes yes, weep-worthy again. Go on, laugh.

Anyhow, this post is not about some senseless jabbering in wee hours, neither an emo one it is please understand. This is an obligatory entry to commemorate something worth commemorating after overcoming all thicks and thins. A milestone marked here at this point. 4 years don't pass easily I must admit. It's a complete failure and self-distructive time in life. Aside from uber tragic time management and hapless integration into cesspool filled with wusses over time, I've known a few friends that worth my whole life (although it doesn't come in much value but still...) that I don't wanna lose. The sense of familiarity we have within us right now will prevail across time and space eternally eventhough we won't be seeing each other that often in time to come but you know we are not gonna feel the long parting, affection thin saying no matter how. We sure will have enough topics to 38/gossips that can last us for at least 3 lives haha. Hopefully, you will get what I mean by the end of this entry cos ok...erm...friends are like durians. Shall I tell you why? Cos to find a good one, you must a hundred try hahaha! So I'm left with all the super high quality durians with me now and you know who you are :) 

And sorry if I'm being overly straightforward, gluttonous, ungenerous, short tempered, ignorant, the-typical-sarcastic-me, frugal, opinionative, forgetful etc. at times. All I can say is... 

this is who I am, please continue to accept them if you love me like how I love you by accepting who you are per se. Are we good? Ok :p

Gotta end everything at this point before I rattle on some you-don't-wanna-hear-cos-it's-not-the-typical-me corny confessions or start cursing your ancestors out of my usual digression.

Bye.

p/s : at least knowing those I love is a proof that living the past 4 years is not so much a trash afterall. i'm getting optimistic again :DDD and for those who incidentally read this, you don't have to reflect to me personally cos you know I'm such a prude I can't take all these vis-a-vis heart talks. so just keep them in heart will do. shit why am I so perasan now haha! *can see goosebump already*

XoXo

逍掰没有落魄久

有一位我尊敬的人，他叫包容先生。他住在我存在的某处。他每天都会默默地把我的不耐烦和暴躁装入他的瓶子里然后把它们浇熄。这阵子，由于他的工作量不胜负荷于往常。终于，他病了。他将短暂地离开我。临走前他百般叮咛，要我学会独立，要我不再对他依赖。他说，对我身边的人好就是要接受他们的一切不完美甚至迁就于他们的理亏。我知道，当一个人越脆弱越没有安全感时，我就得让他把他的不安往包容先生倾倒。他从不埋怨因为他知道大家彼此都是同类，有基本的操作模式。包容先生说，别人的不安分为两种，一种是赤裸裸摊开来的，另外一种是披上华丽包装的。他要我懂得分门别类，因为有些是包容先生所不能也不愿承担的。不能承担其一，郁闷的倾诉，其二，愤怒的抱怨。这些都要给予最直接的反应，禁止收藏。其余的如，口无遮拦，大言不惭，鲁班门前弄大斧，整平不摇半瓶摇的人种，就不能给予太大的回应，要把自身想法往肚子里吞然后交由包容先生处理。包容先生说这群人要比先前的值得怜惜，因为他们都不喜欢听取直接的真相，所以有他们说就没我说的，他们爱说什么就任由他们吧！包容先生又再三吩咐我千万不能当下地曝露我的想法。我问他，当面对一个我对他颇有好感的人时，是不是也要坚守这理念呢？他却说，爱一个人就要包容他的一切不完美，这游戏没有特定的规则，这也是他存在的最大原因。

授教了，我尊敬的包容先生，也请您多保重。

攀藤类

如果这世上只有一种最被受憎恨的东西，那么肯定是人性。

不要问为什么。

也没有为什么。

有些事情是没有必要去知道的。

只能说，世界末日已经算是神的宽待了。

生离死别

阿桑小姐走了...

虽然只对她的一首成名曲“叶子”颇喜爱（而且它在KTV是以长达8-9分钟的电影MV呈现所以我们通常都会海扁点唱这首歌的人原因是我们并不想花钱观赏千篇一律的MV画面啦！讲了都惭愧hor亲爱的阿桑小姐!）。

其实，我不能讲我特别地伤心因为跟她毕竟非亲非故（这样讲好像不大对嘞！你懂我的幽默啦！）。但是离别难免是难过的，不管以怎样的形势都好 ：既便是短暂的离别，离别后重逢重逢后又离别，长久的离别，甚至永远的离别，都有一套特别为他们打造的仪式。送行，送别会，送终，当下的气氛都会是很凝重的，有时候所谓欢送会表面的大器和欢愉往往只是过度装饰的哀伤，当事人骨子里不知淌了多少公升的眼泪才叫足够。

对我来说离别是我比较在意的部份，死亡的话就听天由命吧！也许离别就是造就大部份人不敢，不愿意，也不知如何面对死亡的的导火线。不过，逃避并不稍减死亡阴影对每个人的笼罩。人人必死的事实不但不会随着时间的消逝而消失，还会随着年龄的增长而愈发显得真实迫切！非但如此啊，生死问题看似遥远，却是在任何时间，任何地点都可能发生在我们身上的。所以，有时候我真的是很不明白为什么我们华人那么忌讳死亡。首先，思考死亡其实就是换个方式思考生命因为在生命里离不开死亡，死亡让生命变得有限，因为有限，所以要珍惜。再说，体认死亡也就是体认生命的意义，接受死亡非但不是对生命的放弃（看破尘世，释怀，放下包袱，来世再见什么杂七杂八，胡言乱语的东西），而是让我们承担生命的责任并且借由死亡的认识，让我们思考存在的意义。

长篇大论一番后，我觉得我应该草拟一份属于我自己的遗书了。而且我打从心底很渴望未来可以为自己举办一个别开生面的“生前”追悼会，听听大家赋予我最真实的感言。当然，可行度特低因为当你身边的人都知道你还在世时，是绝对没有所谓对你的肺腑之言的啦！深怕换来的只是一个很在意他人言语和放不下的自己。因此也唯有等来日那一天真的卦了，再化为空气中的灵魂飘回来聆听有生之年所听不到的真相。

安息吧，阿桑小姐...

俳句

身の上の露
とは更にし
らぬ哉

not at all aware
that life's dewdrop
is fading...

(小林一茶, 江戸文化十一年)

ちる花や已
におのれも
下り坂

cherry blossoms scatter--
my life too is heading
downhill

(小林一茶, 江戸文化七年)

愚人节胡说八道

人之将死，其言也善，想到再过两个星期的期末考就很后悔自己为什么平日不多烧点香（家里没有神台），念多一点经（怕念错惹来更多 “好兄弟”），积多一点口德呢 （嘴生来就很贱）？现在要尽量地消除业障！所以大家有空就要熄灯为环保尽力懂吗？大家一起来做“省电侠”好吗？套一句老话，地球是大家的。阿弥陀佛！愿祝天下太平。

最近也有感而发, 突然觉得自己好像年华已逝。我知道，毕竟环绕在众多热血少年之中很难曝露自己高龄的事实，但是事实也总是要面对的啦！我也不会刻意去隐瞒。眼看大家都积极应用生命里每一分钟的同时，我却拼命地挥霍时间，努力地睡，吃，放空等等（不折不扣的大宅男可以吗？!）。虽然手头上有很多烦人的琐碎事要除理，但是也还是心有余而力不足。其实我也活过十八，九岁，什么放纵事没有做过叻？就只差坐牢罢了嘛！巅峰期过了，现在对身边的事都很冷漠，可有可无。除非你要无条件赐我一百万那么就另当别论啦！说穿了人类也不过是现实动物，一块肥肉摆在眼前不去抢岂不亏了自己？不得了了，讲了酱多好像八十几岁人讲的话！这次又要被人斥老成了。 算了，我通常也不多加理会，只要清楚自己在做什么，对得起天地良心就行了。

话说回来这一路走来真的很像一场梦。每个阶段所遇到的人，碰到的事物都好像没有什么关连。我也没有所谓留恋于哪一个人生阶段拒绝前进。没有留恋也纵使我对每段过去很陌生，感觉很不是现在的我，而且有时候还会对一些自己当初的作为感到费解 （都要归咎于很主观的“当时的感受”吧！）。改变是必然的，各个阶段都是人生的一个历练，过了就好像换壳一样，一切都是在为未来打算和准备。而那个未知的未来也没有很明确的指标，就是一直不断地走到尽头为止。 我想人类最明显的人生目标应该就非死亡莫属了，你可能不能很明确地去预测和规划你要怎样度过你的人生，但不得不知人得一死，也没有天长地久这一回事儿。死就是死，一切归零。你如果是基督/天主教徒，那么死亡很可能是你在另一个空间的开始罢了（天堂，地狱和炼狱）。回教徒的话要恭喜你晋升到真主的怀抱之中但是如果你有生之年没有一天朝拜五次的话最终可是要以地狱为家。道教徒，你有两条路可以选，天堂和地狱，道教的地狱很苛刻因为有十八层, 所以有生之年要三思而后行。佛教的话比较“人道”，既便是下地狱，如果到时勤练有素，肯改过自新还是能晋升涅磐去成佛，成不了佛的甭担心因为你还有六道四生可以轮回去投胎转世。总而言之，死亡并不可怕啦！悲惨的人生更加可怕，生不如死。死亡是解脱，是开始，是一个过程，也是众生在不同的时段移驾到另一个空间会合。

话题越扯越离谱，哈哈！善哉，善哉。

我觉得王菲的歌真得很像迷药，百听不厌。特别喜欢他那冷艳的北方儿化音唱腔，有一种脱俗又很华丽又很历尽沧桑的感觉。歌词中夹带的很多修辞隐喻，拟人拟物，双关语和她的唱腔配合得天衣无缝，还有一种莫名的神秘意境。

这首《美错》已经不自觉地在我的iTunes重复了n次。

本来相约他在海边山盟海誓
却找错地方来到一个游泳池
满眼水蓝的美丽
你我就从那里开始
蓝色的涟漪铺展一段回忆
你送我偶然从天而降的殒石
我一直误会那是颗完美钻石
不曾看见它的瑕疵
把它镶在我的戒指
我也没发现
有什么损失
让我感情用事
理智无补于事
至少我就这样开心过一阵子
不管他是真的你是假的谁是目的地
能自以为是也是个恩赐
不是来得太快就是来得太迟
美丽的错误往往最接近真实
尽管昏迷有时梦醒有时不坚持
人生最大的快乐也不过如是
所谓醉生梦死
大概就是这个意思
所谓天意就是
这个意思

林夕真的很了不起。

我要加油! (figuratively)