Change/Chance
I was never a leader sort of person in my life. I hate to lead cos I know people won't like my style once I get very engrossed in what I'm doing. But one thing I have to admit is I learnt a lot from this club especially communication skills. I have never felt so disheartening in any other occasion like today. As usual, we needed to do committee and top 3 meeting after every session of training. In a way, to give feedbacks and exchange thoughts for the journey we've came so far. The main issue revolving on today's meeting table were to open up our heart and talk about all the dissatisfactions we have against each other. When it was my turn to speak, I pointed out my own weaknesses and told them how guilty I felt for not being able to go to college 5 days a week in order to complete certain tasks. In fact I didn't speak out what I really felt deep down fretting someone will be offended. Well you know that sorta sensitive thing that the exco team and advisor team might not wanna hear. Ok everything went on quite well until some customary act happened and that's what I really hate about to happen in this kinda occasion, somebody wept. First it was one of the exco member and later my partner. I wasn't expecting anything from my partner cos the first few round she was still very keep to herself until someone hit the spot and then she broke out in tears. I knew something bad was happening. Indeed, she said in tremble voice that she felt very helpless as in whenever she wanted to put in all her efforts, no one was there to give her helping hands (something to that effect, I wasn't paying attention cos I was thinking about so many things during that freeze of moment). At that point, everyone was looking at me (I think) and I felt so awkward can dig a hole and hide. Aside from all the fingers pointing, I have really no idea why she felt so helpless in any given reasons, in fact no reasons for her to feel helpless at all since we've equal coverage of tasks and responsibilities. Others being external factors that beyond our control. If you didn't already know, I quitted my job just because of this project. I came for meeting most of the time even if I didn't have class on that particular day. I tried to help her in every possible way I could. Seek for senior's advice (which in turn got stood up 4 times), communicating with all the group members (as they need me to be the "good" one among the bad), do up paper documents, follow up on proposals, guide all my members...you name it. So at the end of the day, she still can't withstand the hardship that has been throwing into her face saying that she felt no one could help her and proceeded to weep along. I didn't feel a thing at that immediate moment so I stunned in heart with lotsa complicated feelings whilst staring into blank not making eye contact with anyone cos I know what I would be getting, a great deal of eyes looking at my direction eventhough she didn't speak forthright to the point. Come on we ain't that foolish. Although, I convinced myself that she didn't mean it but I do mind what she said to a certain extent. It affects me as a complete person. I ought to have a strong tie with my partner and I'm still trying very hard for her to accept me as a person who's up to her expectation. We're classmate this semester and we're still kinda close, so to say. I don't know but I felt challenged, I will improve no matter what but one thing for sure, I will not favour the act of tearing in front of people due to incompetence or hardship because when you cry, you will be the winner at that very moment despite any explanations. I could've defended myself but I didn't because I knew very well that I was in a weaker position. I don't mean to whine so much here but I seriously got no one to talk to regarding all these. As you know, whatever they said is always right, you don't get a second say. For example, when I told the president to sound us directly for dissatisfactions instead of beating around the bush, somebody will just come out and ask me to take back my words reason being I'm old enough to comprehend any untold events. I'm experienced, I'm old enough to behave, to think what people think...blah blah. What's the relationship between age and experience if I may ask? A 70 years old accountant may not know much about the achievement of a 25 years old biotechnologist in stem cell research field. Why? Food for thought. They should try to find out why are we still hesitate to speak our minds cos face it, they just refuse to take our words and will go the extra mile to counter the validity of each and every point we made. Their attitudes toward the entire project can only boil down into 4 words : 食古不化. In short, they are always right (according to the god-like free Marketing/Management 101 lessons we've been getting from them). I would say, very intelligent way of propagandizing but no thanks, please get straight to the point. I seriously dislike people being wishy-washy with me which gives me the urge to either crush their skull into pulps or pour acids into their eyeballs very badly. When we said we don't know, we really mean it, don't tell us you expect us to know by instinct. We weren't born with equal ability nor 6th sense do we?
