OVER!

Proudly proclaim, my 2nd sem has finally over! Although the worst part has yet to come, which is the fearful part of getting sucky result. It's pretty much expected but I hope it won't go beyond absurdity! Calculus test today was terrible, 3 hours with 10 questions still got not enough of time. It seems like endless...the questions are a lot tougher than what we usually find in the textbook, during those quizzes and tests. I wonder why did they save the "best" for the last. I don't know, I am sssssoooooo over it and totally jaded and numbed. Can't be bothered so long as I can just pass it and the story ends. I don't demand for much after the final paper, my spirit is badly dampened edi. I'm not gonna venture any further in Calculus anymore. Hey, my uni doesn't even require me to take Calculus, let alone Calculus II. I was supposed to take only Statistics and College Algebra for my major. Now it has pulled down my overall GPA, see?! Happy? And I'm on the verge of changing major again. If entry requirement for NMI (Nuclear Medicine Technology) is too high I'll opt for RRT (Respiratory Care) instead. So I can transfer earlier for the latter cos the major year starts at Junior and Senior year! Nuclear will only starts at Senior Year actually, kinda annoying and I'm really in doubt of their accreditation standard lor given that it is such a sophisticated and technical major. No hesitation or doubt, 2.5 GPA in maximum for this sem only, for THE MOST, fine go laugh!!! All shall thanks to the Calculus With Analytical Geometry II. Man, I'm really traumatized by the paper just now, freaking 3 hours butt sticking of torturing on questions that you couldn't answer even if you scratch your scalp out. If someone ever tells me to take anymore Calculus III IV V or or whatever hingga ketakterhinggaan level affixed...I'll just bite my tongue to end my life. As easy as it can be.

Sad to say, lotsa plans ahead on this holiday but not enjoyable ones to say the least. Have to hunt for house again, have to forgo gymming session for time being, have to parasite at home, have to worry about the releasing of result approx. 2 weeks later, have to worry this and worry that. Mood also don't have. Sighs. 2 months are just wayyyyyyyyyy too much for a holiday isn't it? I prefer to be as busy as a beeeeeeeeeeeeeee but I'm still too slothful enough to be busy. My body is contradicting my motivation!


sora by Yoko Kanno, veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery nice

600

I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers.

Life is all about how far you can tolerate.

Exactly my 600th post today out of more than 3 years of personal diary blogging. 599 posts of whinings and rantings, I wonder how did I live through my life sometimes. But nonetheless, I am blessed, I've lived it through and still living...

Last paper (Cal. II) tomorrow, may lucksss be upon me!

Spontaneous

Michell text-ed me yesterday, telling me that apparently there's some misunderstanding between me and Max. It's like Max is accusing me for being possessive and taking things for granted but I am SERIOUSLY not. The other day I was asking them to accomplany me to MV for haircut cos I thought Mich might be interested in getting one also as it is done by Korean/Japanese stylist. On top of that I was gonna treat them as I promised cos of the RM 30's sticker incident, apparently Max's just got me wrong and thought of other thing. I know what's going on so needless to fathom my mind as everything is within my prediction before I made any conclusion out of it. I shan't disclose that much la but my intention is not what you've been thinking of lo...it's so sad that how you actually think of me :( Of cos, I know you won't gonna drive all the way to MV la...there's always a plan B you know? Being petty is not an issue at all. I just don't know how. I was damn sleepy after my COM 110 final finished at 7pm yesterday. Had dinner with Jas and zonked out at 9pm straight until 6:30 am today.

What more to whine, COM paper as usual, gone case. My speech part really suffered from rigid time constraint. The entire speech is so verbalized and dissolved! I think most of the sentences and vocabs are soooooooooo freaking weak and problematic. I studied quite a lot before that, like half a day?haha. Supposed to study in the library but as you know, group study wasn't just all about studying. In fact, we spent 70% of time talking craps. Bah, can't give shit already since it has already done. Just pray not to get less than B-

In any case, Jas called me just now asking for a K-ing session at Neway nearby and I went, together with Sheryl as well. They were so spontaneous, I was having my lunch and they called then went to Neway had 2nd round of lunch again...and I guess my jogging session this morning in the park has gone waste again. haha! It feels so good to get up early in the morning and go to the park. Let the morning breeze and air slap into your face. I don't know if it's just me but it definitely does more than refreshing. Good way to start off a day! I know it sounds very uncle-ish as the park mostly occupied by veterans but why give damn? Indoor gym is way behind this. I can't stand it everytime they blast the aircon to full volume as if the electricity is provided free, just fucks up my respiratory system badly as in choking my breath with freezing air. Hope they can actually realise it.

*****


Randomness



Madness



Stoic looking me and happy them

*****

Jas is officially merdeka but me hasn't, Calculus II paper on Thursday is soooooooooooooooooooooooo dead. Kill me.

And I still have no idea whether to register for English Literature next sem or not. Part of me wanna do it because the class will be fun with Ms Kalai and the old gang, part of me not because I sucks in this kinda artsy analytic subject, moreover it's ENGLISH Literature, definitely not my forte as I hardly turn on by English reading materials these days. Anyways, I'll have to find out whether it is transferrable to my uni or not since it is such an rare subject under AUP. We are kinda firing an petition to Ms Terry to start the class next sem cos usually they won't cater to student unless upon request. I'm seriously planning to raise another petition for French class. lol.

Morning glory

Aiks...due to the fucked-up of bioclock. My whole night was rather...down the drain instead of mugging in for books. So, instead of rotting in front the world with only a screen, I went for morning walk/jog in the park nearby! Damn, that place is full of uncles and aunties but feel so good to shower myself in natural pythoncidere. You know it's much more better than going down the gym since that place is not an open air premise. Sighs, I'm getting claustrophobic edi.

I'm thinking of getting a prosumer or DSLR camera but I'm not close to intelligent to operate the latter. Guess I'll have to stick to the former one which deemed semi-pro. Hey, no one's perfect how can a person be REAL pro then? Ironic. I'm considering Fujifilm S6500SD or Nikon D40(DSLR) if I have enough $ I will opt for the latter but actually Fujifilm prosumer is the king of prosumer market. With manual zooming+semiauto focusing by twisting lens barrel, ISO 3200, Super HD CCD, 28mm lens...it's the best of its kind already la. A lot cheaper than D40 summore, about 100% of price difference haha. But both can take pro photos, just that DSLR you need alot customization like swapping lens over lens means you have to invest for a further few grands from time to time to upgrade your equipments and bulky :( but then fully manual means you can shoot whatever ways you want especially focusing part! Haiz dunno. I should start off with pro first I think before I flee to DSLR right?

For the win

*The eyes, fingers and calves cacated -_-

**********

Have been haunted by sleeping disorder of late, today is not an exception. I'm neither nocturnal no diurnal cos I work both ways, so I guess it's called biurnal or uniurnal whichever sounds good to your ears. Nah, it's my mock up term if you are dumbo enough to believe it. On top of not being able to tidur lenyap, maka study aje la...COM 110 on Monday but mood not there. Flipped the dictionarified text book over and over again didn't know what I'm looking for also, just felt that by flipping it my brain can absorb instantly like 100000 words/minutes^-1 which is impossible haha. Cos according to Stephan E. Lucas, the oh-my-dearie-man-baby-crying divine author of the text book The Art of Public Speaking, an average human brain can only process 800 words maximum in a minute. So i'm going beyond the extreme but with my utmost respect, I failed. I bet not even 80 words masuk otak in the midst of flipping the pages. Even if I read, I don't comprehend and menghayati. I just purely reading. *roll eyes*

The anecdote out of it is, while halfway through my revision, I slack a lotI thought of Anna Sui's design. I know she's an horrifying ordinary looking old hens but I must bow down to her design everytime I encounter any. Her brand's counter is always the stand out one among all other cosmetic brands in departmental stores. Apart from being gothic, I love her theme colour, BLACK! Fuiyoh, damn leng yan can! Who will thought of using cascade as the design for perfume bottle? Who will thought of using the Victorian style for their cosmetic mirror? Pet lock design, dolly girl...yada yada. It's full of mysterious yet dark humour elements. Yea so I digress. Upon that click of inspiration within that minute moment on frivolous blank thought, I sketched that stuffs above eventhough it's 100000000000000 light years apart from that of Anna Sui but I just admire dark humour. Another reason is because my sketch book has been left in limbo for months and all the artline ink pens that I splurged uneconomically cos I know full well that I'm not gifted in this field but yet no one can stop me from doing it also. And then I hope to draw figure, pointilism and charcoal but those seriously gone case. Too pro already. All I can do is some puny sketching out of instant inspiration while chewing on something casually without giving it a piece of mind, no theme, no creativity (oh man I sux big time in this!) and I trace (tracing is the biggest sin in creative industry on par with plagiarism)!

So the whole point is, nothingness. Just feel like express something and type out my soul. Better still stick to my textbooks and jadikan orang berbudi bahasa aka nerd.

*Oh, peeples (if there's any), Chris Cornell's "Preaching The End Of The World" is marvellously marvellous, kick ass! Definitely vote in for my song of the year...

Final week ranting 2

Gotten my Calculus make up test result, unexpectedly, I SCREWED UP nicely and it's even worse than my actual test. How ironic! So I couldn't be bothered with it also, just work slightly harder to the final will do, which I pretty much hope so la. Moga-moga tuhan can bless me with lucksssssss.

We were having this petition in COM 11o class just now, Ben was asking our favourite lecturer Ms Kalai to teach English Literature on next semester but the amount of students has to be a minimum of 10 in order to fire off the class. But I didn't sign haha, cos my English sucks and lack of analytical mind to excel English Literature unlike the rest of them. Come to think of it, I can even screw my Calculus with ANALYTICAL Geometry II, so how far is it true you think? And I heard the purpose for make-up test is mainly to give us a chance to do well before the final assessment cos final exam will be a lot tougher, so they kinda open their Buddha's hand and bestow us with the chance in the sense that they foresee something bad might be happened ahead. Good, now I'm so anal, cos I screwed the make-up test, apatah lagi dengan I punye final yg disangka lebihhhhhhhhhhhh tougher than the rest of the tests. I think I'm going to temple this time.

Anyways, I went library after absent from that trashy place for months, you know la, ICSJ's library is just like a tiny enclosed place with one roof overhead and 4 walls surrounding. The size of each floor is equivalent to your house living room, soooooooooooooo tiny and I have to stifle a laugh whenever I go in, cos it's like a difference of heaven and hell between SyUC's THOL Library and ICSJ's library. Should I even call it a library or just a place with some books and study tables? So yea, I went to discussion room with Jasmine and Cheryl joined later, we studied kononnya. Then went BBQ plaza in Pyramid upon their spontaneous urge to do so. I finally went to Pyramid 2 but a lot of shops still yet to be opened includes J.CO Donuts. Diu! It says too good to be missed. *shrugs* So we went back without donuts but cream puffs :(

And I slept from for a good 10 hours from 7 pm to 4 am. Siao eh right? I can't help since my blardy bioclock insisted.

**********

Juling over a piece of raw fish.*pun unintended*

Happy Cheryl and Jasmine

Jasmine insisted on taking this

**********

Parting shoot :

The girls can seriously eat man, are hell little did I know that they are actually freaking foodie, especially Cheryl! She loves nice food like me and can drive alone all the way to Klang for Bak Kut Teh spontaneously. We love Korean food too which hardly got anyone share this sentiment with me except Susan. Duh!

仨人

一个人的晚餐无聊寂寞
两个朋友能开心的直说
三个人可以给你勇气
可以安慰你的失落
异口同声地说

因为有你染上新的幽默(新的幽默)
也因为有你世界变得轻松(变得轻松)
我们呢属于非常难得
所以尽情大声唱歌
分享每一分钟

我们拥有一个真心的朋友(我们是真心的朋友)
就算有风吹不走我们感动(吹不走我们的感动)
真的希望你能够永远快乐
你懂我(你懂我)
不用说(不用说)
最想看见彼此的笑容

如果能够带走乌云的天空(你带走乌云的天空)
爬到云端我陪你继续做梦(爬到云端我陪你做梦)
好想每天陪你看日出日落
你值得交换我一辈子最想要完成的美梦

**********

I'm seriously in love with this song, the lyric and even the title itself just spell out what's between our usual gang of 3 aka "三人行"...but it seems after some awkward incidents, we kinda being disbanded unofficially for good. I don't know. I feel rather strange. We've been knowing each other since form 1 until now. Almost 8 years of friendship is now at stake. I know we are so bonded because of the innate joker characteristics and I dare to say, we can't be bothered with our image and reputation. We do monkey businesses, we put on clown suits, we SERIOUSLY joke around. We went to so many places together, sit for so many exams and tests together but one thing to note is, we hardly dig our hearts out for some sentimental deep talks. I guess that's why, we've been tooooooooooo close to do all that already, apparently we take everything for granted cos we know we care and we are just like a family of 3. Sentimental talk is actually too mushy but we know what each others want exactly. It's psychic, understanding, experiencing and all for the fact that we grown up together, share memories. We talk lighthearted things therefore no burden sitting on top our bonding. It's so natural like god sent. But why it has to turn out like this today? If only I could turn back time......

Hell~

I skipped college altogether today and slept until 6pm in the evening...I woke up completely tipsy and didn't know what time and where was I. Horrible. Missed Bodypump! So I went BodyJam again, damn today was the instructor's last day in Consplant so we played glitter all over the place. Every participant must shower with glitters! Then we danced like high school musical. So cute ^^

After BodyJam, I just carried on with Cardiodance cos the instructor is hot, haha. But very mean cos the dance steps were damn hard...I swear I almost vomit outta my life! So instructor divided us into 2 seperated groups and we do arcade streetdance. Haha. It's full of atmosphere. WHO SAYS EX CLASSES ONLY MEANT FOR AUNTIES EH?

Anyways, I hurt my knee during Cardiodance.....sorta being forced to do some pro skilled knee swaying step and ended up this state. It was nice nonetheless...

Final week ranting 1

Is here again.......for another post full of my frivolous rants and whines!

My connection fried up for 2 days, with all the respects to Streamyx, they did a great job for boiling my connection AGAIN. Can't get better service.

So yea, impromptu speech went well, I managed to crap like water in given time interval but of course content wise don't expect much. It's plain verbal and non organized speech. As usual chickened but had to stem the tide nonetheless. And yes, happy happy.

Today, I went for my Calculus make-up test all ambitious and full of hopes. I was thinking I must score at least more than 65 marks this time out of 100 provided that I had learned the mistakes. Unfortunately, I was all wrong! Couldn't even do the very first question of the entire paper. I know methods of integration is my forte but this time I could only manage to solve 2 out of 5 completely and they are not even a definite answer! 5 x 4 = 20 marks gone, how nice it is eh? Furthermore, final is exactly next week! How am I supposed to excel with this kinda rotten performance? It seems that "B" is getting fatter, in terms of hope, which spells FAT HOPE! Hai lat edi la this time.

This week my biological clock went completely cuckoo, I crawl to bed at 11 pm and wake up at 3-4 am to continue my tutorials and revisions until daybreak. Then went drowsy under the daylight again. Practically floating in class and came back to my nest, pengsan terus for 5 hours until evening. It's all in a mess. Please tell me how to menentang arus...I'm screwing things badly again ;(

Then, out of all the aforementioned frustrations stifling within. I hit the gym for 4 hours straight today to destress. At first I thought of going for BodyBalance as usual but overslept. So I did some random cardios then sign in for Steps. Upon my divine commitment in that class, only to realise it was "ADVANCE STEPS" meant for intermediate level. I got so buang muka in front of the class cos the instructor had already warned me about it but I keras kepala trying to save muka, glued at the class for 5 minutes then I went out shamefully. Oh well, like I care. Then I decided to join the next class, the long lost BodyJam. So again I went to do cardio and loitered around the lounge. Luckily time passed in sekelip mata, otherwise my final week of gym-ing session might have gone waste. I don't even dare to think about the time when I go back JB for holiday, 2 months without gym. I am so gonna bloat up like a oversized blow-up doll by the time my new semester commence. BodyJam was fun...instructor is hot and movements were quite on track, on beat and handy. There goes, 4 hours burned in a wink of time.

Oh, I have been seriously cooking myself this few days. Since I'm on the verge of watching my diet (sempena final week), so I think might as well prepare my own dinner although I got only microwave :( . I went to hypermart to hunt for all the bahan mentah mainly nutritious ones like assorted veges, beancurd, chicken breast and some other which I forgot, cos I was in full mood, thus I splurged a lot. Cooked microwaved steamboat and was backfired -_- , don't ask me why, just don't expect a little dumb square box can do wonders. I must bring hotplate on next semester already. *pukes*

Gross-est meal in 3 months. But let me pin point this, my culinary skill is good all the while it's just that I didn't have the proper equipments. If you don't believe, contact me for appointment, I will prepare you a 3 course meal in whatever style you want. Charges will be discussed later.

Bah, sleepy bugs are knocking my door. As usual a routine visit around 11 pm. Adios!

Unproductive weekend

Went parasited at someone's place for past weekend, very unproductive, thought of doing homeowork but ended up hogging the bed more than 12 hours a day. Turned nocturnal on top of being an unwelcomed guest. How sad yerr...

See, it's been so long since I last posted the divine photo of me. So, in order to spice up my boring blog with a bit visual effect (not), I feel that I'm compelled to post some visual aids here. That my English is not powerful, entries are long winded and cheong hei without content and all about my ramblings/rantings, frivolous ones.

I'm everything it takes to become a nerdy! Not trying to show off the MacBook, not that it is mine afterall although I damn feel like nicking it back home.

Ta-dah! Light bulb and me, together we are bookworm. In short, reading is fun!

*****

Happy belated birthday to Jessica Octaviani Kwee, don't be so depressed k? Looking forward to see you soon this holiday! Can't wait at all! It will be so weird to see you in Sg. Just like seeing Britney Spears turn up in my house toilet. Haha. I mean in a good way...ahem.

and...

Before I went dead for impromptu speech and make up test later, sempena I still in the mood let me greet you peeps a goodnight sleep. Sleep tight and sweet dreams. I'm on severe caffein shot now, hell, only 1 packet of 3 in 1, getting so caffein intolerance these days. Class at 8am on Monday, as if not worse enough, rainy day. Therefore, it should well explained why I am down.

I'm gonna die so bad (u must have been wondering since when I'm not dead on this blog?), final's approaching, assignments/tests choking, friendship deteriorating, biological clock went cuckoo, heart freezing, $ draining, mood swinging, boring holidays ahead. Everything just went out of hands la.

Now, tell me honestly, does my blog looks better with the addition of 2 more photos above? *eyes wide open*

A Night Out

Danny, me and Dash

*****

Finally I got to club after the last one I've ever had since last year in Ruums or The Loft which I kinda forgotten for good. 10 freaking months to be exact. The intensity is no longer around as I realised that I'm approaching the level of grey and old. Those musics were not that familiar to me anymore cos I hardly follow on RnBs these days. But still I could manage to dance for 2 hours straight with alcohol shot in minima. I started to dislike the taste of JD nowadays. I don't like the sweetness, too artificial and tasted like some kinda chemical substance. I didn't drink much like I usually do, I took mixed JD, Beers -_-, 1 shot of tequila and 1 shot of flavoured vodka. No feeling AT ALL and not even close to getting tipsy. Kinda hate ladies night, tonnes of bimbos with their himbos. Literally. It's nothing better than Thai Club. I rather spend my time doing fine dining if I were to choose between clubbing and that. Like I said, I'm old enough. I can't manage to assimilate myself with the youth scene and night life today which I dare to say I prefer to read books whilst sipping a cuppa atas quality tea or coffee on a breezy balcony overlooking the panoramic view of neighbourhood cum city skyscrapers. That I long for peacefulness. A moment where I can ponder, introspect and chew over some after dinner topics related to the vicissitudes of life. Oh I'm so obsessed with Malaysiana books. So in love with local author. Their writing can be so light hearted and blithesome! Not forgetting, usage of language is simple and compact specifically caters to the locals unlike international writings always having chunk of big words and jargons. Well, I think I'm kinda good at digressing a lot. Anyways, I went to Maison. No doubt, it was nice to club with Danny, Hazree, Dashni, Vinodh and all the machas! Oh well, some other old kakis are missing though, Steph is rottening away in Nilai, Dom and Kei are not very keen nowadays, Eunique went M.I.A, Samsul got no more time for friends on top of his girlfriend, Susan went back Korea, Cheryll left to US, Terence leaving to Oz...and the rests are all scattered around Klang Valley with their own valid reasons to ffk last minute. Hmm, not like they care also.

By the way, I had a very spontaneous session of impromptu speech today. It was unexpected and impressively, I fucked it up so bad! Topics were to be chosen randomly by draw-lot. It all depends on luck anyways. So my luck wasn't available that time, thus gotten an effing misleading topic which by myself, I didn't understand what is it about. TABLOIDS.....*paused for 5 seconds, took a deep breath* Felt like rupturing the slip of paper into a puddle of soggy pulps and call it an end. You tell me, with only 5 stingy minutes to prepare for the entire long winded 5 minutes speech, it's like asking me to force a few grands of cash out of pocket in 5 minutes. Impossible. Sad to say, whole class was kinda screwed up! Impromptu speech is like a time bomb or mines ambushing somewhere not known to you. Like you will never know what kinda fucking fuck up topic you will get at the end of the day of your presentation to pwnnn you out nicely in the school of manner. That's not the worst yet, special occasion/commemorative speech due next Tuesday, Calculus make up test might fall on the same day as well. I'm seriously thinking of pouring a 50% concentration of Acid on me, just feel like melting away and evaporate from the realm of rat racing.

Have been lost track on Calculus as well. The final topic is earth-shattering-ly complicated. Can you imagine an algebraic equation can actually be sketched into a love-shaped polar graph? More artsy-fartsy graphs along the way, I've seen all sorts of flowerish shapes graphs around. Nope, they don't seem to enlighten me in the sense that a predisposition of traumatic psychological state is being highly expected out of it. Meanwhile, no matter how hard I scratch my head, I just can't get the picture of those assorted 3D graphs albeit we've learnt parabola and hyperbola since ages ago. Things just fried up to burn. Now I know, shits really happen!

sien-ness.

ps : Oh ya, does anyone knows how to get rid of thunder hips? i'm so disheartened cos no matter how hard I work on my lower bowel, it just won't shed off a single molecule of all the fatty substances! Upper body is exceptionally fine enough to see the difference but hips, thighs, calves! Feel like going to liposuction already! I look so freaking dumpy pail-liked in jeans or whatever fitted attires with the non-existence of vertically expansion. Maybe I should seriously think of doing cosmetic surgery, first of all liposuction then bone lengthening and next gastric bypass and lastly double up my cacat-ed eyelids and finally rhinoplasty and ultimate finally hair transplant. Basically an extreme make over or better off, just swap my head with Lee Hom's! Now, don't you wanna roll your eyes so bad?

Final month!

Had been eating Japanese food for 3 days in a short! Thanks to Astro's "1 day 5 meals"...but I think it's better cos I found my new love apart from steamboat nonetheless.

Good news~ Ms Shanta is sooooooooooooooooo kind enough to bestow us a 2nd chance to turn new leaf! We will be having make up test for test 2 next week! Ample of time to prepare...and this time I wanna get either A- or B/+, puhleaseeeeeeeee. What a relief. That's what I like about ADP. Can't get any more flexible than that.

And this time around, finally, I received my FIRST clubbing date of the year! Apparently my A lvls mates are gonna have some reunion party, of cos only applicable for those who can club. So we shall see. However, I'm not very keen on going that kinda places nowadays, just don't like thunderous beat volume and people cramming around in all sweaty. We shall see how then.

******

Did some ponder a while ago, I realised that I'm living like puppet these days. Or better say, parasite. Like when you ask favours from someone cos you really need them in exchange of their sarcasm. You befriended them because you want to but they will turn on and go about "well, if you don't do this and that and so and so...I shall perish you", it turns out that they might be having notion that I actually need them more than I want them. Plain silly of me. I'm reverting back to a 2nd childhood where I'm so scared of loneliness, I so in need of a playmate. Therefore, along the way, I picked up hopes that people put on me...eventually, I don't even have space to accomodate my own hopes. I grab hold on all the hopes and expectations people give me, I give up my own hopes. In the end I'm nothing, blank soul with a shell that living up to other people's expectations instead of mine. I have my resolution, my goal, my aim and my dream that I need to pursue too. Why not you people just give me a break? All the while I've been swollowing words that meant to be spoken out, my piece of mind but I hold back. I remain silence does not imply that you can cross my line and challenge my authority. I do so because I don't wish to stir up troubles and fights among us. I'm always the peacemaker, the coward, the clown and all. Those are all with my own reasons behind. I do things with reasons. In fact, what I need the most is only one word UNDERSTANDING. Easy ain't it?

笑

很想笑。

很久没打从心底笑了。

忘了该怎么笑。

只懂嘴角上扬，眼眯一线，就是笑。

忘了该为什么而笑。

笑了到底也空虚。

还是别笑了， 免得越笑越寂寞。

Lessons

I've learned to let go something I shouldn't have and won't be able to have a grip on.

It's something that shouldn't be existed at the first place.

I sat beside my lonely fire and pray for my wisdom yet,

for the calmness to remember or the courage to forget?

That it is hard to choose but I need ample of courages to forget them than to remember.

Strange ain't it?

I just feel pointless and not worthy to myself, my ego, my self esteem, my disorderedness, my thoughts, my love ones around me.

Thus, came the decision.

Nonetheless, I shall keep them as phantom or better say, dream that I've made in every regular night, well, although I hardly dream these days.

A dream that I've stood in the middle of a stream of people flowing towards you while I'm standing still watching them moving idly into your direction. There it is, I just watch even if I don't feel like doing it but as I said, it is just a dream that people made. Dream is unrealistic, surreal and away from the track albeit it can be nice sometimes. I won't wanna say much as I despise dream makers, dream weavers...a lot of time they just said but careless to materialize them. They are wusses who only harbour dreams. It can't be me. I am pragmatic and ridiculously down to earth.

I've heard comments on me, people sound me as a cocky and arrogant wacko who owns nothing but higher chin. You see, I can't care less about it. I know what I'm doing. I'm so disinterested sometimes to even look at people around me. I hate the ugly side of humans. They (we) can fight over puny stuffs and see bloods. At the end of the day, regret. So what's the point? Rotation? Metamorphosis? Karma? Don't be blindfolded, they are just sugar coated lies people put into your mouths. Excuses. What I'll like to say is, we MUST pay for what we've done.

Why can't we face it when we the reality is raw, naked and truth before us.

We humiliate our souls, hopes, anticipations, consciences, inners...

We choose to believe phony matters, slap a thick-ful of bogus and tricks to live up to something could have be seen insignificant to us or otherwise. We went all happily and joyous at the dinner table of blank laughters at this side, turn around to the contrary, look at the loneliness within, darkness behind, self infliction there of? What about those? We can't even afford to be mono in a minute moment. We whine, we emo, we cry, we holler, we mutilate like a toddle, like a mindless soul bimbo-himbo with nothing better to do but think that life is always at the vertical extreme. In any case, other things around just don't matter anymore...

And at the end of the day, what do we get?

Emo Elmo and Nemo

很久没哭了。

想哭也哭不出来。

也不懂为什么要哭。

只觉得想哭。

太多原因可以哭了。

反而没办法哭。

毕竟再多的眼泪都不够我哭。

哭了也没用。

还是习惯了就好。

Done!

I was practically lack of sleep since the beginning of the week! Tutorial demi tutorial, assignment demi assignment and worst of all, persuasive speech's presentation! Yesterday I totally on caffeine shot and barely able to close my eyes shut. At the same time nothing was done on my speech rehearsal also since I was busying watching clips from YouTube, the one which allows you to broadcast yourself, remember?

So this morning things were really spontaneous! It seems that I had just gone through my impromptu speech. Luckily I did not screw my speech presentation apart from the fact that I got super time contraint! When Ms Kalai raised her hand to signal for the last minute, I was still talking on the first point which made me rocketed the my second point and conclusion. Fortunately, I did quite well for that. It's an individual presentation and heck we were like bunch of aliens in father's suits walking in college! And I hate the fact that I still need my formal suit for impromptu speech on next week! Shite! I'm so gonna chickened so bad. My balloon and Michael Jackson parts were the highlight of the entire presentation. I got full marks for attention getter! Unbelievable.

So after the rather tensed up presentation we just went to McD and chit chat...rambled for 2 hours with Jasmine, Nagen, Ben, MJ, Ariun and Darren. Hell, COM 110's students are really chatty can? Btw, Molly is gonna do her speech next week on "sexual education"...can't wait to see!

Aiks...kena ffk by rabbit :(

Selamat Hari Raya to all the muslims! Don't forget my kuih-muih k?

Alrite, gotta nap or sleep for the night, I'm not sure, not that time sensitive anymore, biological clock fucks up on me.

Trees

树。

看起来一直都不理你。

实际上一直不停的给你力量。

然而，你感受到了多少，又感激了多少?

TMD

Walao eh...it's all epiphany!

My instinct was right, in fact very accurate. I got a disheartening "C" for Calculus test II. I am so so so sad and emo. I knoe I haven't been working my ass off on test 2 but the questions are mostly direct and fairly do-able except for the last one. If I didn't screw the last question, I could have got an "B" or "B+". Damn sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many careless mistakes, Miss Shanta approach me with her rather curious tone asking, "what's wrong with you Kok Whei!". Fuck wei, moment of blank and shattering 2000 X :(

Now I need 23 out of 40 marks for my final in order to remain in B's band. Sien. Cannot slack anymore this time.

Oh yea, on a brighter note, I'll be bringing balloon for my COM 110 presentation visual aid, thought of bringng jelly as well but can't seem to find any to my need. I need jelly who resembles fats so that I can mock up a liposuction process. And it has to be big piece enough to be persuasive.

Anyways, my day is spoiled by my result. Now I feel so sleepy, I wish I can kiss myself a lullaby goodbye and sleep forever.

PS : I wonder why Miss Shanta is so efficient when it comes marking our tests. Apparently I think she has no life. We got back the test result right on the following day after the test. How instant is that?!

All screwed up

As per the title saying...

Again, the boringest typical me wanna bitch, whine, scream, shout, cry about how I fried the whole Calculus II test 2 paper. Fuckall, it's even harder than last semester's test 2, I wonder why the fuck I dropped it to suffer deeper. The paper may innocently came in 1 side of the page printed and promising number of questions, glad to say, merely 4. As sunny as it may seems, I was happy happy upon plowing through with instant glance. Once the pen was down, the evil finally showed his fangs! In a dissolving manner, 1st question was successfully solved, 2nd couldn't find the answer but the steps are definitely correct, 3rd was half past six, 4th totally couldn't do at all cos it required memorising of some formulae and the process of getting that formula which I cleanly forgot all about it before the test. Cos I thought afterall, practice always makes perfect, isn't it? Who knows came this rare question which totally against the objective of doing mathematics. Who the hell will wanna give a fuck to how we get the reduction formula for cotangent? It's so tedious, I know it's integration by parts but why can't nenek Shanta just give us a normal question like what we usually do instead of making our lives hard? If you are in my shoes, I'm pretty sure you will stand on my side cos that question really doesn't give benefit to our learning process. It's just plain memorising the steps to achieve that formula where you can jolly well get straight to apply the formula derived for other kind of questions. Fuck. Bet those nerdo wacko must be giggling to themselves now as 4 free marks slapped into their hands without hassle. This time I can much assure that I won't get a surprise "A" anymore unlike previous test. Well at least a low B will do. Please don't go below that! Or else I'm gonna eat your neighbour's babies and dogs. T^T

And I don't think I can ever slow down my steps after test 2 for MAT 133 cos final falls on 1st of Nov. COM 110 final falls on 29th Oct. Die or not you see? Worship me please, I SAID WORSHIP ME! Final in less than 3 weeks time, I'm having 4 assignments for COM 110 pending and procrastinating. Luckily the bonus is I got 2 months holiday which previosly thought of 1 and a half months only BUT NO, I can't get away with it until I got my result with satisfactory grades. Actually to me nothing fails means satisfactory. Shallow eh? My yardstick is always short cos I know where my limits and abilities go. LIMIT? Hmm...ain't it sounds familiar? Gah!

Just now along my way walking back, I saw a bunch of peoples besieging a Malay guy who dressed sloppily. No doubt, nothing to my glee, I knew it was either snatch thief or burglar. Everyone was watching and some angry Indians around even punched him hard right on his head. Serves him right I guess. But deep down I do hope that the victim was me, so that I can have another excuse to leave SJ, the diabolic living hell. lol. Another sigh to our national security, toast to our civilisation and social awareness! How can I not leave this place a.s.a.p? I don't even wish to start off with Johor Bahru for instance, it's notorious. You should know why.

Fuck...gonna super off to do COM 110 assignments. Haven't even started already found flaws and weaknesses in my topic. I didn't know cosmetic surgery and plastic surgery are 2 different fields. Thanks Ian. Amazing eh? Worship me, I SAID WORSHIP ME AGAIN!

Amitabha. God bless upon all.

The Affairs and The Sadist

To every family, there will always be an indecipherable mantra (家家有本难念的经), a loosely translation from this piece of proverb. Get me?

I was happily tagging along my uncle's car back JB last weekend since I have not been back for months, so as expected, full of anticipations because sis will be around as well. So happy happy reached JB in about 3 hours with full lightning speed all thanks to uncle, we were all safe and sound anyways. Then, I headed straight to Grandpa's house, my grandpa is on his proccess of speedy recovering, we cannot be happier to know that. Grandpa has been more talkative (in a good way) lately, so we were kind of mingling at the living room before dinner started and I was in the room doing my mofo Calculus tutorial. Suddenly, my uncle shouted and there it goes, I knew another family war has just being flamed. Apparently, grandpa was hoping that all the family members can get along harmoniously and no conflicts between each of us. Well, a piece of good advice indeed, nothing wrong. My uncle, however, which I do not wish to go on about his "unique" personality, went all frantic and agitated. He started to shout and swear about some nice familiar words start from B, F and you-know-what due to some misunderstanding and big conflict between he and my another uncle that came into the ears of my grandpa. He felt that my grandpa should not know about this unless someone told him, he was dignified. Threatened to go confront with my another-uncle with his bull like anger. Of course, what we could do was just trying to stop him. As easy as it might seems, he called my mum later on trying to give her a piece of mind with unpleasant words, yelling on the phone he went like..." this is between me and my-another-uncle, can you just mind your own business? I know you always siding him...blahs" Mum was worked up, she couldn't put in any of his words into ears anymore and hung up. I swear my eyeballs just mechanically rolled inward into my sockets upon hearing that. Who is he to say all these? Firstly, he does not have credibility, his words are very feather weighted which usually do not amount to anything that can make us put in heart. We respect him as our uncle. That is all. After this incident, I would have to reconsider our positions and his.

Again, just now, mum called me, telling me that uncle was calling for another havoc again in grandpa's house. He ambushed at the junction nearby grandpa's house waiting for my another-uncle to come visit grandpa as my another-uncle does that routinely every weekend. When my another-uncle arrived with my aunt, he went amok, came down from the car, tried to strangle my another-uncle. Neighbours were all out watching at the free good show and of course they did try to retreat my anger-driven uncle. My cousin sister (another-uncle's daughter) called the police upon my family's premonition earlier on and police came to settle in the end ON TIME. My cousin brother (the anger-driven uncle's son) apparently was begging my cousin sister for not to report to police. In my case, I will be more than happy to report because who knows what on earth will this mad dog on loose do to the rest of the family?

Before the police came, my mum urged my another-uncle and aunt to take cover in grandpa house, then she locked the door in order to block my anger-driven uncle. Well, that was an obvious act of protecting someone from getting hurt, no wrong for doing so I guess, afterall we all just do not wish to see blood. He (the out of sight and out of mind one) shouted at my mum behind the door with some really uncomfortable to hearing words. Insinuating my mum and my family. Pointed his filthy finger right in my mum's and dad's face. Out of desperation, he tossed a random brick towards my another-uncle's car windscreen along with unceasing kickings to the car body. Thus, police report was made. Thanks to his deed, bring us "fame" around the humble neighbourhood. Smacked shits into his own face, he is a big disgrace. If he cannot ever get along with my family which prefers to be in neutral position all the while, for fuck's sake, go to mental asylum for he can find all his other peers around, which I very much supposed he can get along with them very well, VERY WELL.

Not only that, he has been telling shits about my choice of taking up ADP after A-levels in ICSJ. Incurring heavy wrath in me one after another. Do not even make me go on about his past, gamble addict, domestic violence, adultery, jobless...yada yada. He is the worst person, father, husband, uncle that I have ever met. I am seriously from the bottom of my heart, despise what he did to my family and upsetting grandpa. With all my family and my respects, I wish to draw a clear and blatant line between us. The most I can give face to my cousin brother/sister and my anger-driven uncle's wife which is my aunt, to be forcefully address him the everytime I see him, NO FURTHER. I am educated and intellectual with well parental guidance, my parents teach me to respect YOU even for what you have done to us. Salute to my mum and dad for they are so bighearted. We are so fortunate to say that we are not "kurang ajar" (lack of parental guidance) as what you always hang around your mouth to condemn people's children to trigger their mind then indirectly link to their parents fault. Now, look who's talking here? He is in no position to even start off the phrase because he strongly in need of a piece of honest mirror to penetrate his stubbornness and rowdiness that I hope it can really give him a CLEAR and HEAVY piece of mind, if not more.

I feel so not worth for my family, we entertained him all the while when everyone's walking out from his life. We heard all his frivolous rants, advices and all the know how's. We excluded his hindrances and hot-temperedness, still we had tried to accept him and give him a chance. Just so that it came to a point that he seriously had us thwarted badly. He has to pay for all these. We have done what we are supposed to do...no point of opening our heart and let him in anymore I guess. He inflicted us, humiliated our hopes and goodwills. Lastly, hope he burns!

PS : I was not around for the police report incident because I was on my way back KL. Mum called me and told me all of these. And so what, I was there on the first day he turned mad. And did I mention he is mad regardless of what day. What a family tragic.

PPS : I am sooooooooo dead, Calculus test on Tuesday and public speaking formal presentation on Friday. Not even started a single thing on them. Imagine both carrying 20% weightage to my final assessment. Soooooooo gonna die, send me your early condolences in advance, I won't hesitate to accept them! Cos tooooooooooooooooooo dead already. ;(

PPPS : Just hoping that my mum and dad don't give much damn about it. It's so not worth even though they are being underappreciated. He is puny in our lives. That's it. And also, bon voyage to sis, take care along your way back to SH k?